By Chris Charles Best time: 13 days

Paula would be hampered by lager and curry

Sunday's London Marathon was predictably turned into a Paula Radcliffe training session.

Our Paula was done up like a chicken in her foil blanket by the time the rest were queueing for ice creams on Tower Bridge.

Of course it's great for Britain to have a new Golden Girl, but wouldn't it be nice if the fella dressed as a dalek was still in contention 100 yards from the finish?

1. Handicapping:

A bit like the Grand National, but instead of sticking jockeys on contestants' backs, introduce a penalty points system.

The better you are, the larger the night.

In Paula's case, a hearty all-you-can-eat-for-a-fiver curry on the Saturday, washed down with at least eight pints of strong lager.

Then on to a club to dance the night away - arriving at the starting gate having had no sleep and still wearing high heels and a mini skirt.

2. Reverse psychology:

Make her go backwards.

3. Brace yourself:

Stick her in a neck brace so she can't toss her head from side to side in that curious manner of hers.

The loss of this in-built metronome would throw her off-balance completely and send her zig-zagging all over the course - possibly.

Drat - and double drat!

4. The Dick Dastardly Special:

Team up with the villainous Wacky Races character and concoct a few cunning plans to put Paula off her stride.

Face it kids, there's nothing like a few tin tacs and oil slicks to disrupt your race plan - althought the former may cause more distress to Zola Budd than Paula.

Failing that, there's always the classic bogus road sign gag, which leads the unsuspecting runner to a half-finished bridge. Hours of fun for all the family.

5. Nipped in the Budd:

The piece de resistance - so simple, it's beautiful. Simply station Zola on the first bend and get her to 'accidentally' run into Paula, knocking her off balance.