By Dr Lyndsey Hookway
You've adjusted the naps. You've tried an earlier bedtime – and a later one. You've introduced a bedtime routine, experimented with how you settle your baby and spent more time searching online for sleep answers than you ever thought possible.
And still, your baby isn't sleeping in the way you hoped they would.
If you feel as though you've tried everything, it's easy to conclude that you simply haven't found the right solution yet.
But sometimes the most helpful next step isn't another sleep strategy. It's to stop, take stock and work out what the problem is.
Six things to remember about your child's sleep
1. You may not be doing anything wrong
Sleep is something babies gradually develop, rather than a skill parents can simply teach.
During the first few years, sleep changes enormously.
Babies wake during the night, nap unpredictably, need support to fall asleep and go through periods when previously settled sleep becomes more disrupted.
There is also considerable variation between children. Some naturally sleep for longer stretches. Some need more support to settle. Others are particularly sensitive to changes in routine, discomfort, hunger or their environment.
That's frustrating if somebody else's baby responded beautifully to the exact strategy you've just tried. But it doesn't mean you did it wrong while somebody else cracked the code. Your baby is just different.
2. What is the problem you're trying to solve?
When parents tell me their child's sleep is 'terrible', one of my first questions is, 'What does terrible mean for you?'
Is your baby waking frequently? Taking a long time to settle? Starting the day extremely early? Only sleeping for short naps?
Or are they sleeping in a way that may be quite typical for their age, but you're so exhausted that you cannot continue as you are?
Maybe your instant response is 'all of the above', but when you break it down, there is often one problem that is bigger than the others.
Something can be within the wide range of normal infant sleep and still be incredibly difficult for a family.
'Normal' doesn't necessarily mean 'manageable'.
Once you've identified the biggest difficulty, it's easier to think about what might help…
If your baby is waking frequently and fighting naps, could they need less sleep than you thought?
If they're waking soon after bedtime, could bedtime be too early, or the last nap too close?
And if short naps are your nemesis, ask 'why?'. Are you worried because you've been told they're a problem, or were you relying on that time to shower, work or eat lunch?
Being specific about what the problem is – and who it is a problem for – can reveal solutions that aren't necessarily about making your baby sleep more.
3. Sometimes, doing less helps
When sleep is difficult, it's tempting to keep adding things. A different routine. A darker room. A longer nap. A later bedtime.
Before changing anything, zoom out. Think about your baby's sleep across the whole 24 hours.
Are they getting opportunities to sleep when tired?
Could they be spending longer in bed than they are able to sleep?
Are they getting daylight and activity?
Have feeding patterns changed?
Have they been ill, started nursery, learned a new skill or experienced another significant change?
You don't need to change everything. In fact, changing several things at once makes it harder to know what is helping.
A small experimental change followed by a few days of observation can tell you far more than a chaotic multi-strategy overhaul.
4. Consider whether sleep is really the problem
Most unsettled sleep isn't caused by an underlying medical problem. But occasionally, disrupted sleep is a clue that something else deserves attention.
If your baby seems to…
Be in pain or significant discomfort
Have difficulty with feeding or growth
Regularly snore or appears to have difficulty breathing during sleep
Have persistent itching or skin problems
Or if you have other concerns about their health or development, seek medical advice via your health visitor or GP rather than continuing to troubleshoot sleep.
We should never try to fix feeding or health problems with sleep solutions.
5. Your wellbeing matters too
There is another person we can overlook when talking about a baby's sleep: the exhausted adult looking after them.
You don't need to prove that your baby's sleep is unusually bad before you're allowed to find it difficult.
You're not necessarily tired just because of the way your baby sleeps.
You might be tired because of the mental load and how difficult it can be to meet your own basic needs while caring for a small human around the clock.
I don't doubt you're also tired because you're awake during the night, but focusing exclusively on changing your baby's sleep can miss some of the other reasons – and therefore some of the other solutions – for your exhaustion.
Could somebody share night time care? Help during the day so you can rest? Could some demands temporarily be dropped?
Sometimes supporting the exhausted parent is as important as changing the baby's sleep.
Sleep deprivation can affect mood, concentration, relationships and your ability to function safely. If exhaustion is affecting your mental health, your ability to cope, or your ability to care for yourself or your baby, seek help as soon as you can.
6. You don't have to find the perfect solution
Sometimes there are practical changes that make a significant difference to a child's sleep.
Sometimes the biggest improvement comes from understanding why something is happening and finding a more manageable way through it.
And sometimes sleep improves because the child develops and a difficult phase passes.
If you seek specialist sleep support, look for someone who considers the whole child rather than applying the same solution to every problem.
They should consider health, feeding, development, temperament and your family's circumstances, and refer to an appropriate health professional when something falls outside their expertise.
Most importantly, if you've tried everything, don't assume that means you've failed.
There probably isn’t a secret technique everybody else knows about.
Your next step might be a small adjustment, some additional support, investigating something that doesn't seem right – or recognising that your baby is going through a tricky patch and finding ways to make it more manageable.
It can feel as though the goal should be perfect sleep. Sometimes it's more realistic to optimise what you can, accept the things you can't control, and get the support you need to get through a difficult time.
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