Mum felt 'ashamed' as she struggled to bond with baby

A mother says she felt "ashamed" after feeling "completely detached" to her newborn son following his birth four years ago.

Michaela from Wigan was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after four miscarriages and a still birth before her son was born in 2022.

"I just felt disbelief, like he wasn't mine. I couldn't make it add up that it could be OK," Michaela said.

Michaela eventually received help from the Building Attachments and Bonds Support service (BABS), run by Greater Manchester Mental Health NHS Trust, which works to connect mothers with their young children.

Michaela, who is now speaking out to urge others to get help, said she had always wanted to have children.

"I've always wanted to feel the kicks and get excited," she added.

But her pregnancy was dominated by anxiety. She and her husband had spent years dealing with repeated loss and when Nico arrived in 2022, she was unable to properly respond.

"Everything I did, I just felt completely detached," she said.

Michaela worked hard to overcome her feelings, playing with her son, telling him stories, researching the best way to build a bond, but nothing worked.

She said: "I met all his needs, so his nappy was always changed, I did baby-led weaning with him, I breast fed him for 18 months. From the outside, I looked like the perfect mum, the Instagram mum."

Inside though, she said she was "a mess" and "couldn't cope".

"There was no bond, and I knew that he had bonded with me. And that was the hardest thing. I knew that I was his world. I knew it," she added.

Clinical psychologist Dr Catherine Corker said it was a more common situation than many people realised, partly because so many mums were reluctant to speak up.

"It can still feel like such a taboo for someone to say, 'I'm having really unexpected feelings about my baby. I didn't expect to feel this way'," she said.

"I think the feeling of shame and judgement and guilt gets in the way of people saying 'I'm really struggling'."

Dr Corker added this problem of bonding could even happen to mothers who had good relationships with other, older children.

"Pregnancy and parenthood can bring up so many mixed feelings – some really unexpected feelings," she said.

When Nico was born, Michaela already had a young daughter who she had a normal relationship with and continued to feel close to.

But she had three miscarriages between the birth of her daughter and her son, and was, in her own words, "unwell" by the time Nico arrived.

"Over time I just became more and more disconnected from both of them… from everything. Even myself," she said.

Eventually, a healthcare worker spotted something was wrong. It was then that Michaela and Nico went into a specialist Mother and Baby Unit run by Greater Manchester Mental Health NHS Trust.

After four months, the pair returned home and were then referred to BABS run by the same NHS trust.

The service offers psychological and play therapies, drop-in sessions and groups. It works with both mother and baby to establish a closer relationship.

Michaela said when she first went there, she was "still terrified" and even "struggled to order a coffee on my own".

Initially, she said, she had been sceptical but eventually threw herself into the programme. "It was really from then on that things started to change," she added.

Michaela said she still vividly remembered the first time she felt a "rush of love" for Nico.

"At first, I didn't trust it. I thought, 'OK, that's amazing, but when I walk out of these four walls, am I still going to feel this way?' And I did."

She said: "He's like my best mate. I just love the bones of him. And I knew I always loved him, but the bond's there now."

She now runs an Instagram account supporting other mums facing the same challenges she did.

"You're not a bad mum if you don't have the normal typical post-natal experience," she said.

"If you feel that way, as horrible as it is, it's OK to feel that way. It's nothing that you've done wrong… It's just happened to you."

The BABS service is available throughout Greater Manchester and is also offered in Merseyside.

"They're here to support you in the big ways and the little ways," Michaela said.

"I still had a really rocky journey with my mental health but, hand on heart, I absolutely wouldn't be here today if I hadn't had the input from BABS and me and Nico wouldn't have the bond we have today."

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